Time

I started the blog back up as a way to have carve out some "me" time. Evidently, I still struggle with the balancing act. Some blogs seem to be purely about the pretty, others are all woe is me. I think I'm somewhere in between. I have to remember that blogs generally represent merely a snippet of a whole, living, breathing human being. I do want my blog to be a place where I can express all of who I am. After all, I like to think I'm a multi-faceted person with complex identities. Even as a 35 year old woman, I am still "figuring out who I am". But the way I (and others who understand identity as situated, fluid and not fixed/static) think about identity takes into account not just how I position myself in the world, but how others position me, and I how perceive I am positioned by others. That's a very long winded way of saying, some days I want to just schlep around and show up to work looking a hot mess, but I can't, because, dammit, I care too much about appearances.

Turning 35 last month was painful. It still is.  Literally. I've been very public about the anxiety that has come with getting older. Although many people tell me I look younger, mainly because (I think) of my petite stature, my body is feeling it. Climbing up my the stairs holding my almost 3 year old, my knees feel it. I see it in my skin - the pores are larger than ever, the under eye concealer settles in the fine lines.

Professionally I am not in a place where I want to be. Although I mostly love the work I do in an after school setting, each day I feel that given my background (# of years spent in school, amount of $ spent in school, amount $ owed for school, etc.), every day I spend in this job is starting to feel a little too luxurious. That is to say, while I feel no guilt whatsoever at the end of the day in terms of the impact of my work on a small yet important group of young people, I feel a considerable amount of guilt for the small impact I am making monetarily in terms of the income I bring home at the end of the month. Things will have to change.

For one, I am picking up the dreaded D again. I am in the process of writing a rationale to my boss for why I should get paid to write my dissertation. I want to take one day each week away from my job to just write the damn thing. No small task. But I've decided my third job, (after taking care of family and my 9-5 job) is to finish the damn thing. I think it can be done. I think the more I see it in writing, and hear myself talk about it with people, the more I will hold myself accountable. To have limitless time.

A year and some change later (okay, almost 2)

(picture by me)

I am giving this old bloggeroo business another go. In May 2010, about a year after my last post, a lovely person by the name of Anna commented on one of my posts. I don't know Anna except for her wonderful blogs, including the awesome one she does with her sisters, Have a Cute Day. I started this blog as a way for me to connect with the friends I had who disbanded after Chicago, so it was quite startling (and admittedly flattering) that a complete stranger had read my blog and told me she thought I had "a very nice way of enjoying life." Anna is absolutely right, I enjoy my life and try to savor the good and beautiful in life. The sad, the hurt, the ugly - always reminds me of how fortunate I am.

In the past year, I've really gained a new appreciation (addiction) for blogs. I have seen how people have opened up their lives to virtual strangers - making themselves vulnerable to their readers. I am shocked/saddened by the ignorance and hatred that comes with the territory - anonymous posters who make snarky comments. I don't get it. The world is too bad of a place for people to be ragging on those who'd like to share their vision of beauty.

Admittedly, since I've started reading (no, devouring) blogs, along with re-joining the workforce, my spending has risen sharply (I'm looking at you Anthro!) But I don't blame the style blogs for my vices - I assume complete responsibility. If anything, these blogs inspire me to take pride in my appearance. I always feels much better, which makes me treat others better, when I know I've taken the time to breathe and attend to how I present myself to the world. Mostly it is a harried working mom, trying to do it all, and succeeding in some areas more than others.

There is so much to love these days - a healthy, hilarious and wonderfully energetic 2 years and 8 months old little boy who is picking up Mandarin, a mostly healthy, hilarious, and very supportive husband, a job I enjoy (but am really underpaid, but I have a job, and one that I feel good doing), the health and love of my parents, my brother, my amazing girl friends, close and far, a big house with a big weeded over garden (must do something about it this summer) in the city, and last but not least a closet bursting with beautiful things.